There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
