I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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