hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
