Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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