Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
