You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
