genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
