I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
