Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
