we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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