think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
