Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
