There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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