I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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