Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
