My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
