we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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