I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He shit in the fireplace
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
