i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
