I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
