i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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