I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize
