I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
