the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
