I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
