You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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