sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
