I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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