Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
