I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
