I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
