I'm so fucking centered right now
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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