You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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