What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
