This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
