PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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