This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
