i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
