idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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