Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
