Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
