Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
