margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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