I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
