i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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