i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm just crazy horny about you
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Randomize
