I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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