Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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