There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Randomize
