i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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