it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
