dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
